A New Vision

My earlier rant over at d365 provided a much needed outlet for my frustrations this morning, which I know came, in part, from my wrecked nerves leading up to my 2:45 appointment today at The Eye Institute. Like fellow blogger Kerri's nervousness last week over her eyes, I've been a wreck, anxiously awaiting my follow-up appointment with my ophthalmologist, simultaneously dreading the news yet secretly hoping for the best--yet afraid to let even the smallest glimmer of hope enter into my consciousness for fear of the devastating disappointment I'd endure if the verdict rendered would be worse than I'd hoped for.

Already emotional and nervous, my bloodsugar skyrocketed as I waited over an hour for my appointment, going from 143 mg/dl to 304 mg/dl in less than sixty minutes. Sheer adrenaline pumped through my veins as I tried to relax myself by reading gossip rags, deciding to set aside my book, Sweet Invsible Body, in favor of People and Star. Did you know Katherine Heigl was a Mormon?

Luckily, the news is good. The spot the doctor saw a few weeks back is completely gone. Nothing showed up on the many scans and retinal exams. Poof! Gone! Just like that! Sometimes that happens, he said. Could it be from more exercise? Greater vigilance? Less highs? Perhaps. All I know is that the pesky spot is gone, and I'm going to do all I can to make sure it stays that way.

I feel like I've been given another chance to get things right, further asserting that my decision to leave Taiwan in favor of better health care and peace of mind was the right one. Stress, the doc says, needs to stay at a minimum, and after I shared my desire to continue losing some of this excess weight, we challenged each other to drop a few more pounds before our next visit in six months. He is very down-to-earth (and short! and stout!) and shared with me how he wants to drop a bit, too, but then told me to go out and celebrate with pizza. I laughed and told him that pizza was the diabetic's worst nightmare food, and that I'd head to the gym and sweat it out instead.

So while I still live with the very real possibility of further complications in the future, for this moment I'm good. My retinas are healthy and clear of any hemorrhages or leakages. My eye pressure is great. My A1C is going down, down, down. A pump is on the horizon. For now, I have what is known as "Background Diabetic Retinopathy" (Non-Proliferative). The only symptom I have are a few very small dots (5 or 6), visible only upon elaborate testing, that are microaneurysms, or scattered red blood cells in the retina where tiny, weakened blood cells have ballooned out. The microaneurysms are not serious, not themselves a danger to my vision, but a warning sign that damage could occur in the future if things progress in the wrong direction. I can handle this, as diabetes and the host of complications it can bring are forever in the background of my vision, and always will be. I can live with that.

Tomorrow is my follow-up appointment at the Diabetes Clinic, meeting with the dietitian and a new CDE. I look forward to a serious discussion of the pump with the CDE. The time is nigh. I am blessed to be surrounded by supporters, though the burden of care is, and always has been, my own. It is a blessing and a curse to have full responsibility for a disease I cannot always handle on my own.

That said, today renewed my faith in the goodness of some medical professionals. My doctor at the Eye Institute is competent and compassionate. He is a kind man. My eyes betrayed me, welling up with tears, after he told me he was proud of me and that he can only imagine how difficult it is to manage type 1 diabetes 24/7 for nearly 20 years, beginning in childhood. I thanked him, letting him know that was the first time a doctor has ever acknowledged and validated my struggle and the accomplishments that go along with living life as a type 1 diabetic. That is both sad, in that it took so long, and comforting, for the fact that the moment occurred at all.

So a big (((hug))) to each of you who read my blog, and especially those of you who comment with some regularity, as your support and validation fills a void in me that has been empty for far too long. What a gift you are to me, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.