The Late Hour

Ask, and it shall be given you;
seek, and ye shall find;
knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
For every one that asketh, receiveth;
and he that seeketh, findeth;
and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
-Matthew 7:7, 8


I have little resistance to life now.

Contrary to how I felt in Taiwan and the last time I lived in Wisconsin, I now think and feel differently about my life. Milwaukee hasn't changed. My family hasn't changed. My health hasn't changed. I've changed. And I recognize that a not so subtle shift within myself is taking place. I am in the flow. Things feel right. I'm in a good place.
In Taiwan, I often felt helpless, like a victim: a victim of an inadequate health care system for chronic illnesses, of a culture and environment that didn't resonate with my spirit, of uncontrollable and constant changes at work, of lack of information and understanding, etc. I fought very hard against those feelings in an attempt to change things, but it, of course, proved futile. I struggled terribly hard to have more control and power over my circumstances and other people's decisions, but what a fruitless attempt it was! I was exhausted and totally depleted. Trying to manipulate the world in order to get my needs met brought me nothing but frustration, isolation, a major depression and wicked daily headaches. I knew better, yet couldn't stop myself from trying (and inevitably failing) again and again.

Today, I feel in control of my life. I know that I am creating for myself the life I desire, yet leaving room for something even better than imagined to come about. I experience things, new people and serendipitous opportunities manifesting before me as if from the air itself, and I know that these things are no accident. The difference lies in me better knowing what I want yet not fixating on controlling things, contradictory as that may sound. Even unwanted experiences or seemingly bad news (such as my eye diagnosis) have their place in the order of things, and while I may never master the art of totally letting go, I'm experiencing that freedom more often, and it is starting to feel more natural.
Beth's photo above reminds me of the abundant goodness that flows to each of us, urging us to catch all we can in the palms of our outstretched hands. It is never too late for any or each of us.


Even this late it happens:
the coming of love, the coming of light.
You wake and the candles are lit as if by themselves,
stars gather, dreams pour into your pillows,
sending up warm bouquets of air.
Even this late the bones of the body shine
and tomorrow’s dust flares into breath.

-Mark Strand (The Coming of Light)


**Both photos by the incredibly thoughtful & talented Beth